The week that was

There is a clerk at my favorite grocery store who, when I see her each Friday, asks me, "So, how was the week that was?" I like this question for some reason, perhaps because I like her, and I usually give her an answer that is both honest and not excessively revealing.

Today, in thinking about "the week that was" I am amazed that it has been so tumultuous. What amazes me even more is the fact that I seemed to have fallen into that old complacency of believing I have figured something out about the world and therefore should somehow be free of confusion or chaos. What I know to be true is precisely the opposite, that confusion and chaos, the unexpected and the unpleasant, the challenges to my assumptions and the evidence of my failures are an integral part of being alive as a human being. What is of value (and what the Buddha taught) is to accept all of these and their positive counterparts as the eddies of a stream, of no more real consequence than a passing cloud.

I am convinced, though, that the Buddha never meant for us to be indifferent or above it all. Quite the contrary, it was his intent that we be right in the middle of it all, that we feel the joy, the disappointment, the love, the hate, the confusion, the certainty as fully as we can while not attaching our expectations or revulsion to any of them.

So, what the heck happened to me this week, anyway?

• I think my friend Debbi is probably sicker than she was. I don't want to say much more because it's not my story to tell, but it makes me very sad. I had to miss seeing her in January when I was prevented from going to California by the snowstorm here, which bugs me.
• I think my car is sicker, too. I know I more or less wrote an epitaph for our dear Polly here some months ago, but she seemed to have a revival of sorts. Over the last few days, though, she has been much worse and is probably not safe to drive anywhere we do not want to get stuck for a few hours. This also necessitates renting cars and using Zipcars, which while pretty convenient, still is not as simple as walking out the door and taking off.
• I lectured to a health class on Wednesday which, while enjoyable, was also stressful, time-consuming and exhausting for me.
• I lecture again today in a more familiar setting, but it's still time-consuming and moderately stressful.
• My every minute the past few weeks has felt claimed by some necessity.
• Several days over the past week I have not gotten as much sleep as I probably need, due to several different causes.
• I am not eating as well or in as disciplined a fashion as I would like.
• I am experiencing some symptoms that are probably benign but could be otherwise. Nothing to alarm me but enough to keep me on low-level alert.
• I am reading a book that is rocking my world a bit, changing the way I think about my work and my relationship to it. The book is Trauma Stewardship by Lipsky and Burk and is about the fact that those of us who care for the broken of the world (or the broken world) internalize some of the trauma felt by those we care for and that, without proper self-care, serious consequences can result. I will no doubt write more about this book once I finish it.
• I find my work to be more stressful and less rewarding by the day. Much of this is a result of economic strictures that, while they have not decreased the funding for my clinic, have asked us to serve more clients with no increase in resources. I find administrators there to be more clueless and less sympathetic than ever before.
• The world is a mess. At least it sometimes seems that way to me. What are we doing? What are we thinking? As I have said before, if I intend to write on political themes I will start a different blog; I will not do that here. But sometimes I do despair. Where have all the true leaders gone? Where is our Martin? Our Gandhi? (Of course, both of those were shot to death, so that may be one answer to my question).
• Someone I love is depressed and that causes me to feel sad by proxy. I want her to be happy and contented, but what I want does not come to pass because I wish it; more's the pity.
• In a parking lot I backed right up to someone's bumper when I parked. I did not do any damage, but he or she was perturbed enough to leave a note on my car threatening me with the insurance company. Whereas I know myself to be blameless, it is still stressful to anticipate that I may get an unpleasant phone call one of these days.
• Not least of all, though I mention it last, seasonal allergies have kicked in for the year and that always makes me cranky and a little foggy, especially at first. I adapt to it later on, but this early I am still pretty disconcerted.

I hope it's understood that I am not complaining, just explaining, as the saying goes. I am trying to make it clear to myself, too, just why I am feeling a bit down and tense. After reading that list (and reflecting on the ongoing stressors like my parents' needs and other such daily thoughts) I guess it's not so surprising.

I am determined to step into the stream of all this and go where it takes me. I sometimes am afraid that I will not like the destination, but I know that my resistance is what creates the suffering I feel. I will survive and thrive.