Hello, it's me

It came as something of a shock to have it pointed out to me that much of what runs my life is a matter of choices I have made (and am making) rather than these being circumstances dictated by others. I can't blame them if they are not the ones making those choices. Damn. It reminds me of the old Buddhist story of the monk who set his bag down in dog shit and then wandered the world looking for a place that didn't smell so bad. If it is me that is causing my life to stink, it is also only me that can clean it up.

It also came as a shock that this realization came as a shock. I know this stuff, intellectually I understand all of it. Of course I am responsible for my own choices. I am a grown-up. I am a mature man. I am a healthcare professional. I am well into middle age. I have successfully raised a son and sent him out into the world.

Yeah, good luck with all that.

Here is another shock: it came as an enormous relief when I finally understood at a profound level that I am the only one I can "blame" for most of my suffering, because if it's my stuff then there is something I can do about it. If it's my boss's stuff, if it's my mother's, if it's yours, I can't do a damn thing about it except bitch. I can blame you and resent you and wish you were dead, but none of that is real action.

I still somehow believe that the more I do, the better person I am. I have no evidence for this assumption, but there it is. I live my life inside a to-do list and the more I check off, the more worthwhile my existence. Once again, I don't believe this in my head, but in my heart it's quite clear that I do. It is a belief inculcated in me in childhood. Because it is impossible to complete everything, I will never be perfect. And only perfection will make me a good boy, worthy of love. Pathetic, eh? As much as I would love to make fun of those feelings, the fact is that I have been running around for 57 years (or so; I have to assume it didn't start until I was 5 or something) acting on them.

Owl in the tree

So, what in the world does one do about all this? Well, I think what the counselor is counseling is that I stop. I mean, just cut it out. Live within choices, not compulsions. I do, you know, I really do. My life often feels like I am going from one obligation to another to another. Even the right amount of sleep and the books I read are dictated to some degree by that feeling. How screwed up is that?

Well, you know, fuck it. I'm not going to do that anymore. I know, I know, it's not that easy; I would feel unmoored without any kind of list to guide me, but I need to get out and have some fun, for God sakes. When did the round of my life become so grimly centered on duty?

So, I'm working on it. I still don't know what to do about my job; it has just changed so much that it's ceased being fun. But I can't blame anyone else if I stay there, either. I have options and it is merely fear that holds me back. The fear is that this is actually also about me, which means that, since I will still be there, my new job might just suck, too. But there might be only one way to figure that out.

Ah, well. There is no need for drastic changes. For one thing, there have been enough drastic changes in my life for the moment: my son and his wife left this morning to move across the country and my friend Debbi (who has been dying for some time) is on the downhill slope. But I will take responsibility for my happiness. I thought I had been, but I was wrong. The future begins today.