Observations IV

Yes, it's that time once again, time for me to put down in pixels the observations I have been collecting all year to share with my small but extraordinarily erudite audience. This is, as you no doubt astutely observed, the fourth iteration of this compendium. If you really have nothing better to do, follows the links to the first one, here's the second one, and here the third. Enjoy!

? I really hate it when I think I might be having an epiphany or an emotional breakthrough of some sort and it turns out that the barista gave me caffeinated shots instead of decaf. And...here comes the crash!

? It's a fun kind of strange to listen to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs while reading a Marilynne Robinson novel.

? Somewhat against my better judgment, I think Amazon Prime is pretty damn cool.

? I can't be the only one who thinks we need to declare it internationally illegal to refer to any and all scandals as "Something-gate". Watergate was over 40 years ago, folks. Time to find a new metaphor, already.

? It is also time to declare a moratorium on geese in poetry. A lovely metaphor the first couple hundred times, but no more, please, no more. I'm beggin' here.

? I know it's hardly an original observation, but the rudeness on all forms of transit (even my work shuttle) really is amazing. The young woman sitting next to me has her bag sitting next to her, so she and the bag take up 2/3 of the seat. Always makes me wonder what exactly people are thinking (if they are).

? If I change the spelling of cacophony to cacaphony does it mean confusedly talking shit?

? What's so magical about 10000 feet that I can do stuff in a plane there that I couldn't do at 9999?

? Why do airlines leave me alone from boarding to landing and then turn on the bad music?

? Why is it called "losing" your virginity?. I didn't lose mine. I know precisely where it got to.

? I have come to loathe all preference based on aggression, including seating on Amtrak and Southwest Airlines. And whether you sit or stand on the bus. Makes me feel like a shit if I participate and I often suffer if I don't.

? I find it very odd that some people are now routinely carrying their tablets to take photos.

? Your Fit Bit is lying to you. I know this will annoy the approximately four gazillion users of this gadget, but what you tell me it tells you does not align with reality, at least not in this universe.

? Why do so many of those pull down paper towels in public bathrooms only work well when your hands are dry?

? Why do fans so often have the high setting next to the off switch? Doesn't it make more sense to have the order be Off-Low-Medium-High?

? What are the ethical and traffic flow implications of merging into a lane as soon as you know you need to versus continuing on in the lane that is ending as long as you can? There seems to be an ongoing disagreement about this among drivers. I am one of the former, and used to think that the latter were just jerks, but now I wonder if they have a point and we are just wasting perfectly drive-able road by getting over so soon. Discuss.

? Two questions for baseball fans: if we can make a radical change like the infield defensive shift, why can't we abandon having the first baseman hold the runner on if that runner is of absolutely no risk to successfully steal a base? This practice leaves the whole right side of the infield vulnerable, and for what? Second question: maybe I am just doing the math wrong, but isn't making a diving catch almost always foolish? Is a single out really worth the risk of a bad injury that might take you out of the lineup for weeks or months? Yes, yes, if it's the last out of the World Series or will preserve a perfect game, dive away. But a routine inning with no one on base? Let that sucker drop, my friend. O.K., the rest of you can tune back in now.

? When did it become socially acceptable to play your loud music wherever and whenever you wish? This seems to be a recent phenomenon and from the few people I have asked to turn it down, it seems to be more than just a selfish whim. It feels more like some sort of deeply personal empowerment project. Did I miss the memo?

? I propose the formation of an organization, Seeking Civility In Social Media, S.C.I.S.M., pronounced "schism". Oh, don't worry, I know it's a lost cause. But wouldn't it be nice if there was a group of us serving as a soft voice reminding people that one may disagree without being disagreeable? That debate that seeks to exclude by invective all those who disagree is no debate at all, but leads only to back-patting, narrowly focused, self-reinforcing, delusional groups like the Tea Party and anti-vaccine zealots?

? Isn't it odd how heating water becomes silent just before it boils?

? Really? The brilliant founders of Google couldn't come up with a better name for their new parent company than Alphabet? Seriously?

? How do people who drive ice cream trucks keep from that music driving them crazy?

? I don't know about your town, but in mine, if you want to give something away, you leave it on the curb. Public service announcement: NO ONE wants any T.V. or monitor that's not a flat screen and most certainly do not want your potentially lice- or bedbug-ridden couch or mattress. No one. Take my word for it. Just get rid of them.

? I could not be more supportive of those who wish to leave their genders undefined, but it is, in my opinion, a linguistic crime for a person of this description to ask to be referred to by the plural pronouns they and them. It just doesn't work. Are we not clever enough to come up with something better?

OK, that's it for another year! Now the collection begins again for another episode in the long-running serial, Reid's Somewhat Interesting Observations. I'll bet you can hardly wait 'til next year! Thanks for reading.

Observations III

For the third year in a row, I bring to you the observations I have made throughout the year of things that strike me as odd, off-kilter, and how they could be improved in a world of which I was the absolute master. If you are particularly masochistic and wish to see the previous two installments of this particular self-indulgent act of curmudgeonliness, please click here and here. Enjoy!

? Why are there no A or B batteries?

? One small advantage of growing old is those new, super-powerful hand dryers. With the loss of connective tissue in my hands, it's very entertaining to see the ridges and furrows those things can make.

? Isn't it interesting how in a single generation smokers went from looking kinda cool to looking like idiots?

? Isn't it strange how such a small amount of water can cover so much floor space when you spill it?

? Ever noticed how major construction projects quickly get about 99% done and then stall (usually while still blocking the sidewalk), sometimes for months?

? Are those who create apps really so incompetent that they have to update them so often? How often does Mega Solitaire really need to be improved?

? Another sign I'm getting old: I just think nursing students are cute; so earnest, so young, so sweet.

? I just gotta say that this ongoing trend of kilt wearing by (non-Scottish) men just doesn't work for me; it looks plain dorky. It doesn't help that most of those who try to pull this off were probably dorks to begin with.

? There is something seriously wrong with my schedule if the neighbor's five year old is still out playing on a school night when I'm already in bed.

? Why do grocery stores feel they must periodically rearrange all their aisles so I can no longer find what I'm looking for?

? There is something deeply wrong with a world in which a sticker saying "Caution. Sharp blade" must be placed on my paper cutter. Seems to me a bit like a sign saying, "Warning, gravity" on every slope and stairway.

? Even though I paid for the premium site to avoid ads, I'm still a little intimidated by Pandora. If I don't do either a thumbs up or down after a while, I get this vague, unsettling feeling  it disapproves of me.

? Why would anyone like Grape Nuts on Facebook? Almost 250,000 people have, though.

? Those of you who ignore my emails: cut it out! It's just plain rude. Sorry to sound like my mother, but every non-spam message should be answered. If you really don't want to respond to what I wrote, at least have the guts to tell me so. Jeez.

? Can't we please find an analogy for progressive unveiling that's not an onion?

? Let me tell you about Reido Air, my proposal for a new airline. No overhead bins. Two free checked bags, guaranteed to be at the carousel in 30 minutes. No beverage or food service. You want food? Bring it with you! We will even sell food cheaply at the gate before you board. Just imagine: no competition to board the plane because everything goes under the seat in front of you. You can always get to the bathroom if you need to because there's no freaking carts in the aisle. And we all get off the plane lickety-split because no one is heaving their carry-ons around. Heaven.

? It is an admittedly small but nonetheless genuine joy to have new, sharp fingernail clippers.

? Speaking of which, why in English are some singular things pluralized, like clippers, scissors, and pants? And, no, I'm not convinced it's because there are two blades or pant legs or whatever. A shirt has two arms, after all, and a pipe two ends, a coin two sides, .... And why do I get my hair cut and not my hairs?

? A license should be required to grow a beard and should be immediately revocable if one can't grow a decent one, doesn't know how to trim it properly, or doesn't wash it regularly.

? Why does the word-suggester in my phone know all manner of esoteric words yet I have to teach it swear words? I mean, it didn't even know "hell" or "crap". Are we really as puritanical as all that?

? Does it drive anyone else nuts that some people seem to have no awareness they are blocking an aisle or thoroughfare while they are standing there having that conversation? For that matter, if your gate at the airport is near a walkway, do you really think it's reasonable to stand smack dab in the middle of the latter to guarantee your quick access to the former?

? Sometimes it can be quite comforting just to retie one's shoes.

? I'm a little tired of everyone telling me to keep a copy of this or that document for my records. Maybe I will and maybe I won't. So there.

? When I bring a backup bottle of dish soap to work, why do people always start to use the new bottle rather than finishing off the old one first?

? Why in the world would anyone have timed sprinklers in Seattle? Here I am, walking in a torrential downpour, and there you are, watering away!

? Who in their right mind pays the exorbitant price for "gogo in-flight internet"? $500 a year? $3 for half an hour? What are they thinking?

? Didn't rubber bands used to last longer?

? Money is filthy. Wouldn't it make sense if any place that took cash had hand sanitizer at the register?

? Does anyone ever use the word "ulterior" except in conjunction with "motive"?

? Researchers want you to know this: what you eat, how you eat it, how much of it you eat, where you eat it, why you eat it, and whether or not you eat it, food is killing you.

? OK, I understand and appreciate the password to get into my bank or my Google account, but aren't we getting a bit carried away when I need a password to make an appointment for a haircut?

? If you live in Western Washington, we have no spiders that bite. Sorry to break it to you. It seems like every person who comes into the clinic with a pimple on their leg has diagnosed it as a spider bite. It ain't.

? If you have something important to announce, please don't only put it on Facebook and assume you have your bases covered. Some of us spend very little time there and it would be very sad if we missed out.

? What's up with the way men's shirts come packaged from the store? Each one is like it's own individual Rubik's cube and no two are the same. Is there some sort of protocol for how these must be intricately bundled? And, hey, two pieces of cardboard and a plastic thingy for each collar? Really? And good luck getting all the pins out before you stick yourself putting the damn thing on. I mean, folks, it's a shirt, for God's sake.

? How did that rock get in my shoe? Think about it. It's not as if I walk through gravel pits, and that little rock had to fly up into the air at just the right trajectory to land in the small space between my foot and the shoe. Pretty remarkable, and it happens all the time.

? I don't understand how it could be sensible to concentrate lemon juice and then reconstitute it before selling it to me.

? I think we ought to celebrate our birthdays for the number of days that we have years. A one year old doesn't need more than a day, but at my age, I deserve 58 days of presents and cake.

Thanks for reading! And for reading the blog throughout the year; I really enjoy writing it. Happy Holidays!

Observations II

As I did last year, I come to you, hat in hand, with observations gleaned from the world and the scary place inside my head that wonders about such things, things that in the past 12 months have made me go, "Huh!" Enjoy! (Or not, as you choose).

*I am utterly confused by people taking airlines up on the offer to board early if they are not using the

overhead bins. As far as I can tell, the passenger's thinking is this: "Yes, please, I would like to sit in a tight, confined space the size and shape of a coffin for an extra 15 minutes for no reason whatsoever". Good thinking, folks.

* Why does every credit card scanner have to have different rules? Sometime I swipe the card, sometimes the clerk does. Sometimes I sign on the screen, sometimes I sign a piece of paper; yesterday I signed on a tablet with my finger (!). Sometimes I must sign for over 25 dollars, sometimes over 50, sometimes no matter what. Can't they all just agree on one system?

* Who exactly buys all those records Bjork sells?

* How do public radio pledge drives work? I know that as soon as I hear the pitch I switch to another station or put on a CD or something. The way I figure, there are three kinds of people who listen to public radio: those (like me) who already support it, who are annoyed that they have to hear the sales talk anyway; those who have no intention of supporting it and are annoyed by the intrusion; and those who are wavering. Does this third group really tip over into the support category because they are hectored and badgered? Do they sit there and listen to the importuning until they enter one of the two other categories? That's a fairly sad statement on the human condition, if you ask me.

* My phone has a program that syncs my iTunes with the phone's mp3 player. In order to do this, it reaches out through the Wi-Fi and opens iTunes on my computer. I think this is way cool and a little creepy.

* Traffic lights are primarily a technological expression of our sense of fairness. If you don't think so, just

watch and see how quickly we ignore them if they are unfair (too long, in an absurd place, etc).

* Has anyone else noticed how common it is these days for cars (and trucks and buses) to have one headlight out? It seems to happen all the time. Weird. (I assume this is not a Wallflowers homage).

* Didn't there used to be a courtesy understanding about how early in the morning it was OK to start doing noisy stuff? My brother's neighbor mows his lawn as early as 6:45 on Saturdays or has loud conversations in his driveway at about the same time of day. I have noticed construction going on as early as 6:00 on weekdays in residential areas. We shouldn't need laws to tell us that's just too damn early to be doing these things. I mean, jeez....

* I like to think that I can get inside of people's heads enough to understand even the strangest behavior and the motivation behind it, but I admit to being entirely flurmuzzled by people who let their dogs poop just anywhere and don't clean it up. I can't even imagine being that person. I'm not saying I disapprove (though I do), just that being them would be about as weird as being a Sontaran. Unfathomable.

* I have had three or four encounters with people in parking lots, on ferries, and places like that where cars are parked close together, who get all bent out of shape when my car door touches theirs. I am talking about the lightest touch, just enough for me to get out of my car. C'mon folks, get a grip. These are cars, they encounter one another. I am being careful, I promise, but the surface of your car is not a sacred space.

* Rather than taking umbrage all the time, I'd really like to give it now and then (I know, I know, I do, don't I?). Speaking of which, why do we always go back and forth? I would like the option to go forth and back sometimes (which really makes more sense, anyway, since I must go forth in order to come back). I would prefer, now and then (then and now?) to go fro and to. And is something any less clean because it is span and spic? Just wondering.

* I have an earring that is the symbol for "Om". If I wear it upside down is it the symbol for "Wo"?

* Why are all drinking fountains everywhere adjusted so only the merest trickle escapes? Is this a prostate issue? If drinking fountains have prostates, we are all in much more trouble than we ever knew (and I am certainly going to stop using them!).

* Why do shoe manufacturers ship shoes out laced in such strange ways? And who comes up with these bizarre lacing patterns, anyway? Are there professional lacers? Are they tatty dressers? (OK, I admit it, that's an obscure joke).

* Pedestrians: please don't push the crosswalk button if you intend to jaywalk. Here I sit waiting for the light to change, and you are already a half mile on your way.

* Why can businesses sign you up instantly for their stupid email "alerts" but it can take up to 10 business days to unsubscribe?

* Why can't we just eliminate the numbers 0 & 1 and the letters O and I from all serial numbers, confirmation codes, coupon verifications and such, so there's no possibility of confusing them? There would still be plenty of number and letter combinations left. We could think of it as a digital homage.

* What exactly am I supposed to say when you knock on a locked bathroom door? Isn't that fact that it's locked information enough?

* Isn't it odd that the word "cervical" refers to two such divergent anatomical structures? I can't imagine two body parts with less in common (well, yes, I can, but let's not go there).

OK, that's it for another year. Admittedly not particularly profound, but a little peek inside my mind. Sorry if you are frightened by the glimpse. We will now return to our regularly scheduled programming....