Self care

I have been trying hard not to get a cold for about a week and I used today to practice good self care. I got a massage, went to the art museum, to my favorite French grocery near Pike Place Market to get good cheese, rose mints (can't find them anywhere else) and a few other treats. Stayed home in the evening playing games with my wife and fiddling on the computer. A good day.

Kindness day

8:30 AM -- I woke up grumpy and tired. I feel like going into work with a "don't mess with me" attitude. Instead, I have decided this is Kindness Day. All day it will be my goal to be as kind as I can to everyone I encounter. This will be a challenge because our clinic is extra busy these days (details would only bore you and I am kinder than that) and we have no appointments available until next week. It will also be a challenge, of course, because I don't freaking feel like being kind today. Throughout the day, I will try to let you know how it's going.

11:15 -- I bought a box of chocolates for my coworkers to thank them for all their hard work; I was kind to myself by not having any. The clinic is not nearly as busy as it has been recently and that helps. I didn't buy the chocolate to make myself look like a good guy, but to set my thoughts on the path to kindness.

12:55 -- We talked about sociopaths at lunch; I'm glad I'm not one. We deal with quite a few of them here and I find it very disturbing to think that I could ever not care about being kind or generous or what effect my behavior could have on others.

4:30 -- All in all, that went pretty well. When a client got on my nerves a bit, all I had to do was remind myself that this was Kindness Day and my whole perspective shifted. Now, don't get me wrong; I am not one of those who believes in the efficacy of wishing things were so and that they will be as I want them to be. But I do believe in the old saying that "we might not be able to change the wind, but we can set our sails." The question I need to pose myself is this: who would benefit from my crappy attitude if I carried it around with me and imposed it on others? Would I? Or would I merely be spreading poison wherever I go? I don't need that and the world most certainly does not. There is enough fear, hatred, and just plain grumpiness to go around.

There is an old parable about a monk who set his bag down in dog shit and then wonders why he could never find a place that didn't stink. How often have I made a stink and wondered why the place I was (work, home, etc) wasn't a very pleasant place to be? I enjoyed Kindness Day. But I'm glad this day is done. I will go to bed now. Peace out. 

SADness

Very tired tonight and still have a lot to do before I can flop into bed, so I just wanted to write a few words about seasonal affective disorder or SAD. Of course, most people have heard of this, so I'm not going to say much about what it is. There is a pretty good description of it here if you are interested. My SAD is not very severe and in fact I really don't suffer from depression so much as low energy. It is interesting that one of the symptoms of SAD listed on the NIH link above is weight gain, though what they really are describing are the symptoms of depression. Of course, we know why weight gain is one of the symptoms. It is the drug we use to treat our low energy or feelings of sadness this time of year.

I live in Seattle, which is no help, of course. We not only are far enough north that the days are shorter than further south, but we famously have very little sunshine for about eight months a year. But I have taken some measures, including vitamin D, thyroid medication, adequate protein intake, lots of sleep, and drinking plenty of water. Previous years I have used bright light therapy, but have chosen not to do that this year as an experiment. I have read some research which casts doubt on the efficacy of bright light to help and blames the problem almost entirely on vitamin D deficiency. So, I am using myself as a guinea pig to see how that goes.

This blog is not about SAD, so I won't be writing a great deal more about it here. But I did want to mention that it's part of the whole constellation of what makes up my world. I am here to be honest about who I am, and that's definitely part of me.

Pray for the sun to return. I am told it will some day.

Calorie counting

I am aware that calorie counting may well be one part of my way of going about things that might seem a bit overwhelming. Of course, as long as you don't cheat, doing other things like exchanges or counting points works just fine, too. In any case it seems to me an essential part of this practice to keep track of what we eat. This serves two distinct functions; making us aware of what we put into our bodies and facing the feelings we have when we can eat no more for a day than we already have.

As I mentioned early on in this blog, my method is to take my ideal weight in pounds and multiply this by 10*--this is my calorie count per day. At first this tracking of calories can seem to be a real pain, but it's not so bad. What I know about myself is that I really don't eat a huge variety of foods, so once I have done the initial work of figuring the calories for these common foods, I can replicate them when they arise again, then add in anything out of the ordinary. There are also some websites that will do some of the work for you, but I find them to be more trouble than they're worth. (These sites also inevitably subject you to obnoxious weight loss advertising; avoid them, I say). There are some good, plain calorie charts on the web that are easy to use (here's one). If you eat out a lot, many restaurants will provide calorie counts on request (in some states, including mine, this is a requirement). *(If you read the earlier version of this post, I accidentally wrote to multiply by 100. Yikes! That would be generous indeed. I would like to think I couldn't eat 18,000 calories a day, but I shudder to think it might be possible!).

One day a week I do not track calories, but remember that this is not to give myself carte blanche to eat everything in sight; on the contrary, this is the day that I devote to purely mindful eating, paying attention to my hunger and what triggers it, what hunger really feels like, and what kind of hunger it is (it might be helpful to review the huger posts; there are three--hunger, hunger, part two and hunger, part three). I also don't count calories on special occasions like birthdays, but I strongly urge you to avoid labeling too much as special; this is an easy trap to fall into. Eating sensibly while others are eating insensibly will not cause you to feel deprived if you are focused on why you are doing so.

One thing you might find when you first start tracking calories is that you are shocked at how little food this allows you to eat. Be assured, it really is a sufficient amount. (On the other hand, if you are used to extreme diets, you may be surprised by how much you can eat). There is no harm in approaching the lower calorie count successively, reducing down to more calories than I suggest and gradually getting down to the ideal count. I also use a dietetic scale so I can't fool myself as to portion size (it will no doubt shock you to learn that when I first started this practice I discovered that my rough estimates were a trifle high).

If this all seems a bit onerous, a bit too much like work, it is helpful to think of all this as a meditation on food. After all, the point of eating like a buddha is not weight loss but awareness.The point of any Buddhist practice is awareness, because it is awareness that can lead us to the end of suffering. Another reason to emphasize the awareness of food rather than weight loss is that this is not designed to lead to rapid weight loss, but a gradual loss as you change your relationship to food. Losing more than a pound or two a week is not healthy and research has shown that weight lost rapidly nearly always returns, usually in even greater quantities.

And always remember that this is a work of love, not violence. You are being kind to yourself in taking this on. If you feel yourself getting caught up in shame or self-loathing, back away and try to think in terms of lovingkindness toward yourself. No one is more worthy of your love.

This and that

My weight today is 202 pounds.
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When I wrote my first Foundations post, I forgot that I already wrote about one of my foundational books, Mindful Eating. I will add it to the Foundations page.
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Kathy and I barbecued vegetables and vegetarian sausages yesterday, a kind of farewell to summer. They were extraordinarily delicious; zucchini, eggplant, portabello mushrooms, red and yellow peppers, and sweet corn. Such a very beautiful meal. (No, these aren't ours, but they looked sorta like that).
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One of you wrote a comment yesterday saying that she was "sort of Buddhist". To me, that's the perfect place to be. I firmly believe that the Buddha never intended for his teachings to become some new sort of religion or dogma. He taught freedom and did not want to create a new yoke for us to wear. There is a book by Stephen Bachelor, Buddhism Without Beliefs, that I have not yet read, but which I understand covers much the same territory. Even calling ourselves "Buddhists" is antithetical to what the Buddha taught, as it instantly sets up a duality of those who are and those who are not Buddhists. Is it any wonder that the next step in that progression is that some groups of practitioners come to believe that they have the "true" Buddhism and everyone else is not doing it right? There has, ironically enough, even been violent clashes between sects and also against other religions. Could there be any clearer indication that both sides completely forgot the very teachings they were trying to defend? So, for Buddha's sake, be cautious about becoming a professed Buddhist. Being a "sort of" Buddhist is a fine place to be.   

Foundations: Radical Acceptance

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."--Carl Rogers

The book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach introduces a genuinely radical idea: that identifying what is wrong with us is precisely the opposite of the correct way to go about inducing ourselves to change something in ourselves that is making us unhappy or unfree. Early on in this blog I introduced the idea that was as humans live within what Pema Chodron called, "a misunderstanding so old we can no longer see it", that we are constantly threatened and only being perfect (and expecting that of others) can save us from certain death. Well, aside from John Maynard Keynes' famous observation that "in the end, we are all dead", this way of living is pure fantasy and only guides us to self-destructive and other-destructive (and world-destructive) paths.

What Brach proposes instead is radical acceptance, the idea that "the way out of our cage begins with accepting absolutely everything about ourselves and our lives, by embracing with wakefulness and care our moment-to-moment experience." [Emphasis hers]. When we use the strategies of self-improvement, playing it safe, withdrawing from our experience of the present moment, busyness, self-criticism, and focusing on the faults of others, we are moving away from true freedom even as we believe we are moving toward it. This is what she calls "the trance of unworthiness". She talks about it this way:

"The belief that we are deficient and unworthy makes it difficult to trust that we are truly loved. Many of us live with an undercurrent of depression or hopelessness about ever feeling close to other people. We fear that if they realize we are boring or stupid, selfish or insecure, they'll reject us.... We yearn for an unquestioned experience of belonging, to feel at home with ourselves and others, at ease and fully accepted. But the trance of unworthiness keeps the sweetness of belonging out of reach."

As Brach describes it, radical acceptance has two "wings", seeing clearly and holding our experience with compassion. It is far too easy to blind ourselves with the strategies mentioned above and "we lay the foundation of Radical Acceptance by recognizing when we are caught in the habit of judging, resisting and grasping, and how we constantly try to control our levels of pain and pleasure.... The boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom."

Our lack of acceptance leads to the state of desire. If we cannot accept ourselves and our lives as they are in this moment, then by definition they must be unsatisfactory. The only way to make the unsatisfactory satisfactory (so we think) is to take a specific action or acquire a certain thing to fill the hole this is creating the unsatisfactory state. But this is circular logic: our lack of acceptance leads to unsatisfactoriness which leads to desire which can never be entirely satisfied which leads us to reject who we are which is a lack of acceptance. The only way out of this downward spiral is to break it at some point, and acceptance is the place where we have readiest access. (Though it should be said that this chain can be broken elsewhere, as well; this blog is an attempt on my part to break the chain in multiple places, including at the level of desire. When I feel a craving for more food, I can examine that and see it clearly, too).

Brach says,

"If our desires are simple and can be temporarily satisfied, our way of responding is straightforward. When thirsty, we drink. When tired, we sleep. When lonely, we talk to a friend. Yet, as we know, it's rarely this uncomplicated....Our gnawing everyday wants prevent us from relaxing and becoming aware of our deeper yearnings. We perpetually lean into the next moment, hoping it will offer the satisfaction that the present moment does not.... When we can't meet our emotional needs directly, the wanting self develops strategies for satisfying them with substitutes."

Like food, for instance.

She concludes that "we are all awakening beings, each of us learning to face suffering, each of us discovering the compassion that expresses our deepest nature. As we come to trust in suffering as a gateway to compassion, we undo our deepest conditioning to run away from pain. Rather than struggling against life, we are able to embrace our experience, and all beings, with a full and tender presence". And living our lives in this way would be a radical departure, indeed, from the way in which most of us live them. Radical acceptance is the place we can most easily begin to find the freedom that is inherent in our own true nature.

(This is part of an ongoing series detailing the sources of my inspiration. The list, which will be updated whenever I post a new one, is here).

Foundations

Until now, I have been writing almost entirely about my own impressions, opinions, and experiences of the dharma and other, related teachings. This has been intentional and was for two reasons:

• This blog is about my journey and I didn't want to start off by verbatim quoting the masters to establish my credentials. I don't have any credentials and I don't feel the need of any. I want this blog to be about my personal take on this material and entirely accessible to everyone, even (especially!) those who have no grounding, or perhaps not even any interest, in the Buddha or his teachings. By making this as personal as I can, I hope I have thus far given you access to one human being struggling with many of the same questions you are.
• The other reason is related to the first, but slightly different. Because I want to give you the feeling that the dharma is wholly available to you and to all people everywhere, I didn't want to start out with a bunch of abstruse background that would only serve to make me sound intellectual without clarifying much of anything. It is always worth remembering what I said a few posts ago about the finger and the moon: every spiritual path worth anything leads to freedom and there are as many roads to get there as there are dust motes in the universe. The idea that you will be excluded from enlightenment if you don't subscribe to a particular dogma or don't understand some obscure point are the absurd ravings of egomaniacs. But that message is out there in every spiritual tradition, including Buddhism. There is an old Zen saying, "If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him." (Don't those Zen folks know how to keep it light?). Of course this isn't literal, but means that if you believe you have found one solid, incontrovertible truth that is Enlightenment or Nirvana, or if you encounter a teacher who says that he or she has it (and for only $499.99 you can have it, too!), kill that image and move on. Your path is your path and while there are guideposts, only you can know what is true for you; whether or not you are moving toward true freedom.

However, my views did not arise from nowhere, and I will from time to time be acknowledging my debt to certain specific teachers under this rubric of Foundations. The following post (which I intend to put up today in addition to this one) will concern the first of these, Tara Brach's Radical Acceptance. I hope it goes without saying that all of the books and teachings I mention in these Foundations posts are well worth picking up and reading or listening to on your own.

If you are particularly interested in the series of Foundations posts, as I write them I will be listing them here for easy reference:

Radical Acceptance

Mindful Eating 

Women, Food, and God 

Pema Chödrön