Foundations: Radical Acceptance

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."--Carl Rogers

The book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach introduces a genuinely radical idea: that identifying what is wrong with us is precisely the opposite of the correct way to go about inducing ourselves to change something in ourselves that is making us unhappy or unfree. Early on in this blog I introduced the idea that was as humans live within what Pema Chodron called, "a misunderstanding so old we can no longer see it", that we are constantly threatened and only being perfect (and expecting that of others) can save us from certain death. Well, aside from John Maynard Keynes' famous observation that "in the end, we are all dead", this way of living is pure fantasy and only guides us to self-destructive and other-destructive (and world-destructive) paths.

What Brach proposes instead is radical acceptance, the idea that "the way out of our cage begins with accepting absolutely everything about ourselves and our lives, by embracing with wakefulness and care our moment-to-moment experience." [Emphasis hers]. When we use the strategies of self-improvement, playing it safe, withdrawing from our experience of the present moment, busyness, self-criticism, and focusing on the faults of others, we are moving away from true freedom even as we believe we are moving toward it. This is what she calls "the trance of unworthiness". She talks about it this way:

"The belief that we are deficient and unworthy makes it difficult to trust that we are truly loved. Many of us live with an undercurrent of depression or hopelessness about ever feeling close to other people. We fear that if they realize we are boring or stupid, selfish or insecure, they'll reject us.... We yearn for an unquestioned experience of belonging, to feel at home with ourselves and others, at ease and fully accepted. But the trance of unworthiness keeps the sweetness of belonging out of reach."

As Brach describes it, radical acceptance has two "wings", seeing clearly and holding our experience with compassion. It is far too easy to blind ourselves with the strategies mentioned above and "we lay the foundation of Radical Acceptance by recognizing when we are caught in the habit of judging, resisting and grasping, and how we constantly try to control our levels of pain and pleasure.... The boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom."

Our lack of acceptance leads to the state of desire. If we cannot accept ourselves and our lives as they are in this moment, then by definition they must be unsatisfactory. The only way to make the unsatisfactory satisfactory (so we think) is to take a specific action or acquire a certain thing to fill the hole this is creating the unsatisfactory state. But this is circular logic: our lack of acceptance leads to unsatisfactoriness which leads to desire which can never be entirely satisfied which leads us to reject who we are which is a lack of acceptance. The only way out of this downward spiral is to break it at some point, and acceptance is the place where we have readiest access. (Though it should be said that this chain can be broken elsewhere, as well; this blog is an attempt on my part to break the chain in multiple places, including at the level of desire. When I feel a craving for more food, I can examine that and see it clearly, too).

Brach says,

"If our desires are simple and can be temporarily satisfied, our way of responding is straightforward. When thirsty, we drink. When tired, we sleep. When lonely, we talk to a friend. Yet, as we know, it's rarely this uncomplicated....Our gnawing everyday wants prevent us from relaxing and becoming aware of our deeper yearnings. We perpetually lean into the next moment, hoping it will offer the satisfaction that the present moment does not.... When we can't meet our emotional needs directly, the wanting self develops strategies for satisfying them with substitutes."

Like food, for instance.

She concludes that "we are all awakening beings, each of us learning to face suffering, each of us discovering the compassion that expresses our deepest nature. As we come to trust in suffering as a gateway to compassion, we undo our deepest conditioning to run away from pain. Rather than struggling against life, we are able to embrace our experience, and all beings, with a full and tender presence". And living our lives in this way would be a radical departure, indeed, from the way in which most of us live them. Radical acceptance is the place we can most easily begin to find the freedom that is inherent in our own true nature.

(This is part of an ongoing series detailing the sources of my inspiration. The list, which will be updated whenever I post a new one, is here).