It would certainly be reasonable to ask why, if I know all this, if I understand it with such deep conviction, I am not already at my goal weight. It's all fine and well to go on and on philosophically about the efficacy of meditation and these teachings, but where is the proof that they are effective if I am still a fat guy?
I think we all know that wisdom, if that is indeed what this is, quite often precedes the actions that demonstrate it, for one thing. But even more important to me is the fact that I have seen the usefulness of these philosophies in other people and in other areas of my life, and it is in that understanding that I put my faith.
Another factor is that in addition to the ability of meditation to help create the consciousness that can set us free from the hegemony of mind, it and these teachings can also help us develop a more sophisticated ability to focus our energies. To borrow a metaphor from the meditation teacher Rodney Smith, awareness is like a flashlight beam. Our default mode is to cast the beam about more or less randomly, flitting from thought to thought without discrimination (the mind constantly scanning for threats). Meditation allows us to gradually develop the skill to focus that beam of light on a single area of thought or consciousness. This allows us to have a great deal more clarity, as you can imagine. Rather than trying to perfect myself all at once (the mind insists that I must do so immediately or I will die), an effort doomed to failure in any case, I can focus the beam of my awareness on the development of consciousness and let any changes in my heart, my body, or my mind take place organically. Or, to put it in more straightforward terms, I have been working on other aspects of my life, and it was only when the impulse to make a concerted effort to lose weight floated to the top of my awareness that I was able to apply myself to this project without using guilt or shame to try to force myself to it. Or, to put it even more simply: until now I just wasn't ready.
I mentioned guilt and shame in the paragraph above, and this is another reason why I have waited to begin this quest. I have entirely given up self-loathing; I just don't willingly give that feeling any space in my head or heart any more. Of course the mind, trying to protect me by repeatedly bringing up past failures and current inadequacies, will ask me to feel self-loathing quite often, but I know that this is a reflex action and that I need not pay it any heed. Until I reached the point in my maturity where I could take on this effort without even a smidgen of self-hatred, including hatred of my body as it currently is, I refused to go ahead. I would rather die of the effects of obesity than go through life thinking that I am unworthy if I am overweight and that the only way to change that fact is to do battle with myself. Acceptance is not acquiescence; in fact, the only way to change anything at all, as far as I can tell, is to first thoroughly accept it as it is in this moment.
I also feel quite fortunate, in a way, that I can share this journey from its beginning, rather than from some sort of spiritual hilltop after the fact. As we learn in recovery, the only person to whom we can readily relate is one who has been there and is facing the same struggles we are. I experience a feeling of joy when I think that there may be others who are on a parallel path.
I think we all know that wisdom, if that is indeed what this is, quite often precedes the actions that demonstrate it, for one thing. But even more important to me is the fact that I have seen the usefulness of these philosophies in other people and in other areas of my life, and it is in that understanding that I put my faith.
Another factor is that in addition to the ability of meditation to help create the consciousness that can set us free from the hegemony of mind, it and these teachings can also help us develop a more sophisticated ability to focus our energies. To borrow a metaphor from the meditation teacher Rodney Smith, awareness is like a flashlight beam. Our default mode is to cast the beam about more or less randomly, flitting from thought to thought without discrimination (the mind constantly scanning for threats). Meditation allows us to gradually develop the skill to focus that beam of light on a single area of thought or consciousness. This allows us to have a great deal more clarity, as you can imagine. Rather than trying to perfect myself all at once (the mind insists that I must do so immediately or I will die), an effort doomed to failure in any case, I can focus the beam of my awareness on the development of consciousness and let any changes in my heart, my body, or my mind take place organically. Or, to put it in more straightforward terms, I have been working on other aspects of my life, and it was only when the impulse to make a concerted effort to lose weight floated to the top of my awareness that I was able to apply myself to this project without using guilt or shame to try to force myself to it. Or, to put it even more simply: until now I just wasn't ready.
I mentioned guilt and shame in the paragraph above, and this is another reason why I have waited to begin this quest. I have entirely given up self-loathing; I just don't willingly give that feeling any space in my head or heart any more. Of course the mind, trying to protect me by repeatedly bringing up past failures and current inadequacies, will ask me to feel self-loathing quite often, but I know that this is a reflex action and that I need not pay it any heed. Until I reached the point in my maturity where I could take on this effort without even a smidgen of self-hatred, including hatred of my body as it currently is, I refused to go ahead. I would rather die of the effects of obesity than go through life thinking that I am unworthy if I am overweight and that the only way to change that fact is to do battle with myself. Acceptance is not acquiescence; in fact, the only way to change anything at all, as far as I can tell, is to first thoroughly accept it as it is in this moment.
I also feel quite fortunate, in a way, that I can share this journey from its beginning, rather than from some sort of spiritual hilltop after the fact. As we learn in recovery, the only person to whom we can readily relate is one who has been there and is facing the same struggles we are. I experience a feeling of joy when I think that there may be others who are on a parallel path.
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