Something happened at work on Thursday. What happened made me angry. I responded in a fairly measured way, which is progress, but I find myself obsessing nonetheless about what the fallout of my response will be. Mind you, I don't regret my response. I didn't go off half-cocked, as I was prone to do in the past. I also didn't send my email out to everyone I could think of, only to those directly involved.
But I don't particularly care for confrontation. If I were the perfect little boy (or the perfect little Buddhist) I would never feel anger. I would always be even-tempered and respond with concern to situations which used to anger me. No one would ever think ill of me, nor would I ever think ill of others. We would never speak badly of each other, either.
What a crock.
I don't know how the Buddha would respond to something threatening or clearly wrong or potentially harmful. I would like to think that he, too, was capable of anger if the situation called for it (we know from the Bible that Jesus certainly was, and Gandhi was well-known for his infrequent but volcanic bursts of anger, for instance), but there are no recorded instances of his being angry after his enlightenment. It is sometimes easy to misinterpret the Buddha's demeanor as being disengaged, though, and he certainly wasn't that. The whole point of his teaching was that one could be entirely engaged in everything without letting any of it run the show, that one could be in the midst of the chaos and yet not of it.
I don't want to make excuses for my behavior, but I know that being angry does not feel entirely safe because of the way I was raised. Anger is dangerous, that's what my upbringing taught me. It's also not very acceptable unless it is coming from an authority figure. It is clear to me that part of the violence that sometimes comes out in the way I express myself when angry is mostly fear; I fear the anger and that causes me to lash out with more violence than I might have otherwise. Actually, I have concluded that nearly all instances of anger are actually based in fear.
So I continue to mull it over, think about it to the point of distraction. Where does that impulse come from? Does the mind really believe that if I think about something enough that something will change? That insight will emerge? (Yes, I think the mind really does believe that, despite all the evidence being against such a conclusion). In fact, the only time I have ever had any insights worth the name is when I have been in meditation or calmly contemplating something, not obsessively mulling it.
I don't have any brilliant solution to all this; it just helps to write it out. I know that only acceptance and love for my wounded soul will help much. That and sitting in meditation. The mind likes to tell me that food would help and the more I ate the better I would feel. I think I know better.
But I don't particularly care for confrontation. If I were the perfect little boy (or the perfect little Buddhist) I would never feel anger. I would always be even-tempered and respond with concern to situations which used to anger me. No one would ever think ill of me, nor would I ever think ill of others. We would never speak badly of each other, either.
What a crock.
I don't know how the Buddha would respond to something threatening or clearly wrong or potentially harmful. I would like to think that he, too, was capable of anger if the situation called for it (we know from the Bible that Jesus certainly was, and Gandhi was well-known for his infrequent but volcanic bursts of anger, for instance), but there are no recorded instances of his being angry after his enlightenment. It is sometimes easy to misinterpret the Buddha's demeanor as being disengaged, though, and he certainly wasn't that. The whole point of his teaching was that one could be entirely engaged in everything without letting any of it run the show, that one could be in the midst of the chaos and yet not of it.
I don't want to make excuses for my behavior, but I know that being angry does not feel entirely safe because of the way I was raised. Anger is dangerous, that's what my upbringing taught me. It's also not very acceptable unless it is coming from an authority figure. It is clear to me that part of the violence that sometimes comes out in the way I express myself when angry is mostly fear; I fear the anger and that causes me to lash out with more violence than I might have otherwise. Actually, I have concluded that nearly all instances of anger are actually based in fear.
So I continue to mull it over, think about it to the point of distraction. Where does that impulse come from? Does the mind really believe that if I think about something enough that something will change? That insight will emerge? (Yes, I think the mind really does believe that, despite all the evidence being against such a conclusion). In fact, the only time I have ever had any insights worth the name is when I have been in meditation or calmly contemplating something, not obsessively mulling it.
I don't have any brilliant solution to all this; it just helps to write it out. I know that only acceptance and love for my wounded soul will help much. That and sitting in meditation. The mind likes to tell me that food would help and the more I ate the better I would feel. I think I know better.
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