My weight today is 199 (the first time I've been under 200 pounds in...well...a long time).
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Getting out of bed this morning was difficult. It's not just the darkness enveloping the world in the early hours, though that plays a part. What made me want to stay in bed today was mostly dread.
This is a pretty non-specific dread, not tied to a particular event, so it seems to me it might be worth examining a little more closely.
What I must do to begin feels counterintuitive (why is it that much of what is good for me starts off feeling counter to my impulses?) First I must face this feeling directly, fully invite it in. When I begin by trying to push things away I increase my suffering; that much is clear. Then I need to feel it in my body; how does this emotion manifest and where? Well, mostly in my belly, a tight ball of anxious feeling that tightens my abdomen, makes me slightly nauseous and makes me want to constantly sigh to make it feel better. Can I fully accept and be with the way it feels in my body? I can.
OK. Good. Only now am I prepared to look at the constituents of this dread.
I wrote on Thursday about the conflictive event that happened at work and today I must face it. The unresolved nature of it is more anxiety-provoking than the conflict itself. In fact, one of the things I have come to realize is that a lack of resolution and my irrational insistance on it can come to dominate my life. Pema Chodron says, "Not only do you not deserve resolution, you suffer from resolution." Perhaps more about that another day.
This is a very busy week and there will be very little opportunity for me to simply come to rest, not even on my Friday off or over the weekend. When I don't get this chance to rest, quite often I feel the result of it well into the next week.
Many of the things I am doing this week and over the weekend are challenging, such as public speaking and learning a new task. I will be sitting in meditation for most of Saturday and Sunday which, while it is a wonderful experience, can be a little stressful. This time of year, my energy is low, which adds to the difficulty.
Mind you, I am not complaining about any of these. All of them are, in their own way, quite wonderful, even the work conflict. But I always think it worth investigating what the sources of my feelings are. Not so much so I can "solve" them, but to identify patterns of behaviors and attitudes that affect me. I cannot make them go away, necessarily, but in facing them I take them out of the shadows and make it clear that these are not such terrible things. I am afraid, stressed, frustrated, tired, and anxious. So what? I have been through this before and will go through it again. I can use the tools I have been given: meditation, contemplation, acceptance, and relaxing into the now to help me do what I need to do and be joyful while doing so. And I don't have to eat to get through it.
**********************************************************************
Getting out of bed this morning was difficult. It's not just the darkness enveloping the world in the early hours, though that plays a part. What made me want to stay in bed today was mostly dread.
This is a pretty non-specific dread, not tied to a particular event, so it seems to me it might be worth examining a little more closely.
What I must do to begin feels counterintuitive (why is it that much of what is good for me starts off feeling counter to my impulses?) First I must face this feeling directly, fully invite it in. When I begin by trying to push things away I increase my suffering; that much is clear. Then I need to feel it in my body; how does this emotion manifest and where? Well, mostly in my belly, a tight ball of anxious feeling that tightens my abdomen, makes me slightly nauseous and makes me want to constantly sigh to make it feel better. Can I fully accept and be with the way it feels in my body? I can.
OK. Good. Only now am I prepared to look at the constituents of this dread.
I wrote on Thursday about the conflictive event that happened at work and today I must face it. The unresolved nature of it is more anxiety-provoking than the conflict itself. In fact, one of the things I have come to realize is that a lack of resolution and my irrational insistance on it can come to dominate my life. Pema Chodron says, "Not only do you not deserve resolution, you suffer from resolution." Perhaps more about that another day.
This is a very busy week and there will be very little opportunity for me to simply come to rest, not even on my Friday off or over the weekend. When I don't get this chance to rest, quite often I feel the result of it well into the next week.
Many of the things I am doing this week and over the weekend are challenging, such as public speaking and learning a new task. I will be sitting in meditation for most of Saturday and Sunday which, while it is a wonderful experience, can be a little stressful. This time of year, my energy is low, which adds to the difficulty.
Mind you, I am not complaining about any of these. All of them are, in their own way, quite wonderful, even the work conflict. But I always think it worth investigating what the sources of my feelings are. Not so much so I can "solve" them, but to identify patterns of behaviors and attitudes that affect me. I cannot make them go away, necessarily, but in facing them I take them out of the shadows and make it clear that these are not such terrible things. I am afraid, stressed, frustrated, tired, and anxious. So what? I have been through this before and will go through it again. I can use the tools I have been given: meditation, contemplation, acceptance, and relaxing into the now to help me do what I need to do and be joyful while doing so. And I don't have to eat to get through it.
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