"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words shall never hurt me" is about the silliest homily of all time. My own version goes something like this: "Sticks and stones shall only break my bones, but words can surely hurt me."
We can do great harm with our speech. There can be little doubt of this. Our hurful words can resonate for years or decades and affect lives through generations. Of course, most of our speech is not that powerful and is forgotten as soon as it is spoken. Yet don't all of us harbor in our psyches something said that hurt us many years ago? Don't we all recall something unskillful we said long ago and which can still make us wince in the recollection?
So it is one of the most worthwhile practices of the dharma to practice Wise Speech. (And those who may have closely read the Precepts and the Noble Eightfold Path will observe that Wise Speech is a component of both). So what is Wise Speech? While the grosser levels of hateful, bigoted, violent, and denigrating speech may quite obviously be unskillful, there are subtler levels of speech worth investigating. Joseph Goldstein has said that working with mindful speech may well be sufficient dharma work all by itself because it is so very challenging when we drill down further into it. My own observation is that when I focus on wise speech I am silent much of the time.
When we practice wise speech we must avoid speech that is harsh or abusive, this is clear. Lying is frowned upon and the truth highly prized. Whenever we speak of others, we must bear in mind that criticizing or speaking ill of them is unskillful. This becomes a bit more subtle when we speak of others in a way that seems to be expressing our concern but is actually a way to slyly criticize. Generally speaking, gossip of any sort is unskillful speech. Whenever we speak of a person who is not present we should always ask ourselves what motives we have in doing so and generally refrain. Sarcasm and humorous abuse is also quite often hostile in intent. We may be "just kidding" or "just giving you a bad time" and still be doing great harm. Truth-telling can also be abusive if the intent is not kind or the timing is wrong.
Another more subtle form of unskillful speech the Buddha warns against is frivolous speech, the tendency to chatter on about nothing. Most of us are made nervous by silence when we are with others, but it is good practice to try silence unless you have something to say. Frivolous speech fills in the gaps in conversation when we could be focusing on what is going on in our hearts and in our minds. It keeps everything on the surface rather than allowing the silence to encourage us to deepen our understanding.
My rule of thumb for speech is the acronym T.H.I.N.K. Before I speak, I try to ask myself if what I am about to say is thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary, and kind.
One of the most important forms of skillful speech is skillful listening. When another is speaking, we should do our best to give them our undivided attention. We should avoid assuming what the rest of their thought will be. We should never interrupt them before they are through. We should try not forming our response while they are still speaking. We should avoid telling a story of our own to counter or top theirs (unless that is the point of the conversation). Skillful listening is very hard and requires practice.
In brief, we do our best to avoid abusive, harsh, loud, hateful, denigrating, sarcastic, critical, gossipy, frivolous, and unnecessary speech. We tell the truth, but only with tact. We try to be thoughtful, intelligent, and kind. We do our best to listen skillfully and completely. You can no doubt appreciate why I am so silent when I am practicing wise speech most vigorously. You can also see why the Buddha emphasized this skill so often and prized it highly. While most of us cannot be perfect in the practice of Wise Speech, we must not use this as an excuse to speak unskillfully. Wise Speech is an important key to our ongoing understanding of the dharma.
We can do great harm with our speech. There can be little doubt of this. Our hurful words can resonate for years or decades and affect lives through generations. Of course, most of our speech is not that powerful and is forgotten as soon as it is spoken. Yet don't all of us harbor in our psyches something said that hurt us many years ago? Don't we all recall something unskillful we said long ago and which can still make us wince in the recollection?
So it is one of the most worthwhile practices of the dharma to practice Wise Speech. (And those who may have closely read the Precepts and the Noble Eightfold Path will observe that Wise Speech is a component of both). So what is Wise Speech? While the grosser levels of hateful, bigoted, violent, and denigrating speech may quite obviously be unskillful, there are subtler levels of speech worth investigating. Joseph Goldstein has said that working with mindful speech may well be sufficient dharma work all by itself because it is so very challenging when we drill down further into it. My own observation is that when I focus on wise speech I am silent much of the time.
When we practice wise speech we must avoid speech that is harsh or abusive, this is clear. Lying is frowned upon and the truth highly prized. Whenever we speak of others, we must bear in mind that criticizing or speaking ill of them is unskillful. This becomes a bit more subtle when we speak of others in a way that seems to be expressing our concern but is actually a way to slyly criticize. Generally speaking, gossip of any sort is unskillful speech. Whenever we speak of a person who is not present we should always ask ourselves what motives we have in doing so and generally refrain. Sarcasm and humorous abuse is also quite often hostile in intent. We may be "just kidding" or "just giving you a bad time" and still be doing great harm. Truth-telling can also be abusive if the intent is not kind or the timing is wrong.
Another more subtle form of unskillful speech the Buddha warns against is frivolous speech, the tendency to chatter on about nothing. Most of us are made nervous by silence when we are with others, but it is good practice to try silence unless you have something to say. Frivolous speech fills in the gaps in conversation when we could be focusing on what is going on in our hearts and in our minds. It keeps everything on the surface rather than allowing the silence to encourage us to deepen our understanding.
My rule of thumb for speech is the acronym T.H.I.N.K. Before I speak, I try to ask myself if what I am about to say is thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary, and kind.
One of the most important forms of skillful speech is skillful listening. When another is speaking, we should do our best to give them our undivided attention. We should avoid assuming what the rest of their thought will be. We should never interrupt them before they are through. We should try not forming our response while they are still speaking. We should avoid telling a story of our own to counter or top theirs (unless that is the point of the conversation). Skillful listening is very hard and requires practice.
In brief, we do our best to avoid abusive, harsh, loud, hateful, denigrating, sarcastic, critical, gossipy, frivolous, and unnecessary speech. We tell the truth, but only with tact. We try to be thoughtful, intelligent, and kind. We do our best to listen skillfully and completely. You can no doubt appreciate why I am so silent when I am practicing wise speech most vigorously. You can also see why the Buddha emphasized this skill so often and prized it highly. While most of us cannot be perfect in the practice of Wise Speech, we must not use this as an excuse to speak unskillfully. Wise Speech is an important key to our ongoing understanding of the dharma.
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