The specter of death has come into my life in a very real way with my loved one's illness and I recognize that my fear is causing me to try to control everything in my life, including food. For someone like me--basically afraid and constitutionally compulsive--this is tricky territory. When I try to over-control, it is an effort to avoid the feelings of helplessness and despair that death inevitably brings up; it is the mind believing that if I do everything on my to-do list then nothing bad will happen and death will go away. On the other hand, if I allow the mind to "diagnose" me as trying too hard to control and therefore recommend that I let loose, I may turn around and indulge in compulsive behaviors to avoid the feelings in that way.
Of course, this is not truly the conundrum it seems to be. When I ask my heart what the right course is, I tend to hear the truth (if I can listen to it over the noise the mind puts in the way). As one of Kathy's friends said when her own mother was dying, I must "take a deep breath and make room for the feelings." They are unavoidable in any case, and if I don't allow them in as they arise, they may overwhelm me when the dreaded event finally comes. This is no petty concern; more than one suicide, more than one divorce, more than one shattered life has come out of just such pent-up feelings.
I must quickly make a distinction here and hopefully dislodge a misguided impulse. When I speak of allowing the feelings in, I do not mean that one must act on them, and most certainly not that one must act out. The old myth that if one doesn't express the feelings that arise by beating on a pillow or screaming or eating a hot fudge sundae are simply nonsense. None of those are feeling the feelings; they are all ways of avoiding the feelings. Allowing them in means simply to feel them. Talk about them, write about them, heck, put them in your blog; but in the end, you and I must feel them, allowing them to arise and pass away. In the process, we will come to realize that the feelings, though they feel threatening, will not kill us, in fact will not harm us.
Grief, pain, loss, hurt, shame, embarrassment, fear; these all give us the opportunity to open our hearts further. The mind has a very limited capacity for the negative and if we live there, we will certainly be overwhelmed. But the heart has a miraculous capacity to open infinitely and make room for unlimited sorrows. What is most gratifying is the realization that this opening of the heart, though forced by the injurious, stays on in us (if we allow it) and makes us more compassionate, more caring, more loving, more understanding, and, ultimately, more free.
Of course, this is not truly the conundrum it seems to be. When I ask my heart what the right course is, I tend to hear the truth (if I can listen to it over the noise the mind puts in the way). As one of Kathy's friends said when her own mother was dying, I must "take a deep breath and make room for the feelings." They are unavoidable in any case, and if I don't allow them in as they arise, they may overwhelm me when the dreaded event finally comes. This is no petty concern; more than one suicide, more than one divorce, more than one shattered life has come out of just such pent-up feelings.
I must quickly make a distinction here and hopefully dislodge a misguided impulse. When I speak of allowing the feelings in, I do not mean that one must act on them, and most certainly not that one must act out. The old myth that if one doesn't express the feelings that arise by beating on a pillow or screaming or eating a hot fudge sundae are simply nonsense. None of those are feeling the feelings; they are all ways of avoiding the feelings. Allowing them in means simply to feel them. Talk about them, write about them, heck, put them in your blog; but in the end, you and I must feel them, allowing them to arise and pass away. In the process, we will come to realize that the feelings, though they feel threatening, will not kill us, in fact will not harm us.
Grief, pain, loss, hurt, shame, embarrassment, fear; these all give us the opportunity to open our hearts further. The mind has a very limited capacity for the negative and if we live there, we will certainly be overwhelmed. But the heart has a miraculous capacity to open infinitely and make room for unlimited sorrows. What is most gratifying is the realization that this opening of the heart, though forced by the injurious, stays on in us (if we allow it) and makes us more compassionate, more caring, more loving, more understanding, and, ultimately, more free.
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