I will post on the Fourth Noble Truth later today. For the moment, though, just a few notes on several topics to get you up to date on what is happening in my life.
Driving Miss Polly. I am driving our decrepit, old car today to do my errands. The check engine light is only on intermittently, but we are not fooled. We know that she is on her way out, at least for us. We are still convinced that a mechanically-minded person could probably fix her up for a fraction of what it would cost for us to have it done and have a very reliable car to drive for several years. But we can no longer justify the cost for us. So today is somewhat bittersweet. Polly seems to drive just fine, but then she has these moments when she shudders when idling. That can't be good. I am going to take her for a last car wash today (I love car washes, and she does, too!). Kathy calls it a father/daughter outing. We really are quite silly about our car. Kathy also says that how well she is driving is somewhat like the hospice patient who gets up, greets the family, walks around, is cheerful and lucid, then dies the next day. This is, I fear, Polly's last gasp, at least with us. I know I have talked about this before and don't want to overemphasize it, but the use of rental cars and such also adds to the stress. I'm very glad they are available, but it is a transition to have to rely on them, and transitions are stressful. And the fact that she is still marginally drivable only makes the transition less clean.
Cancer. As I mentioned before, a loved one probably has cancer. Actually, she is doing pre-op testing as I write this. I don't have her permission to speak in any detail, though only because I haven't yet asked, so I won't go into it here. But it has been a big strain, of course.
The meltdown. One of my favorite scenes in a film is from State and Main. A character played by Alec Baldwin drives a car over a ramp, which flips the car on its side; it slides 50 feet or so along the street before coming to a stop. Baldwin climbs up out of the car, grinning and drunk, laughs and says, "So, that happened!" I often feel that way in the aftermath of an emotional upheaval. Yesterday, I was exhausted, fed up, angry, grieving, and stressed. So, I acted out in several ways, including with food (though, fortunately, not too badly). Today, I look back and can only say, "So, that happened!", shake my head and move on. Whew! That was weird. I feel much better today, though I haven't been sleeping well, and that no doubt contributes to my malaise.
My son Mitchell is probably getting married soon, and rather precipitously. No, no, his fiancee isn't pregnant (heavens, no one gets married for that reason any more!); it has to do with (what else?) health benefits. All in all, my biggest reaction to this news is happiness that he will have the benefits. We love Jamie (his fiancee, for those keeping score), and are very glad they were going to get married at some point. But there is still the emotional reaction to the fact that my widdle baby boy is actually getting married. And I won't be there. Objectively, this makes all sorts of sense. Subjectively, there is part of me that is all stressed out about it. Not a big contributor, but a part of the whole picture, nonetheless.
This blog. Like the marriage, this blog is a very positive force in my life, and I am very glad I started it. Nonetheless, it is a source of stress, too. I am by nature a very private person, and putting myself out there is not entirely comfortable. But pushing myself to be something other than comfortable is really the point, isn't it? I am accountable to both of the people who actually read this blog (j/k; I know there's more of you than that) and that causes me some stress. But it also forces me (in a very good way) to examine what I am feeling and how I am coping.
And I think that gets you up to speed. Oh, there's a few other things: my job is stressful, and there are money concerns, especially with my parents. I'm not as young as I used to be. There are competing demands for my time. I am concerned that the world is going to hell in a handbasket, and more quickly than we think. The political atmosphere in Washington is just revolting. The environment is on a downhill slide. Yet, I am optimistic. Isn't that strange? Life is worth living and I have a good one, all in all. I will survive and, more than that, thrive. I am grateful.
Driving Miss Polly. I am driving our decrepit, old car today to do my errands. The check engine light is only on intermittently, but we are not fooled. We know that she is on her way out, at least for us. We are still convinced that a mechanically-minded person could probably fix her up for a fraction of what it would cost for us to have it done and have a very reliable car to drive for several years. But we can no longer justify the cost for us. So today is somewhat bittersweet. Polly seems to drive just fine, but then she has these moments when she shudders when idling. That can't be good. I am going to take her for a last car wash today (I love car washes, and she does, too!). Kathy calls it a father/daughter outing. We really are quite silly about our car. Kathy also says that how well she is driving is somewhat like the hospice patient who gets up, greets the family, walks around, is cheerful and lucid, then dies the next day. This is, I fear, Polly's last gasp, at least with us. I know I have talked about this before and don't want to overemphasize it, but the use of rental cars and such also adds to the stress. I'm very glad they are available, but it is a transition to have to rely on them, and transitions are stressful. And the fact that she is still marginally drivable only makes the transition less clean.
Cancer. As I mentioned before, a loved one probably has cancer. Actually, she is doing pre-op testing as I write this. I don't have her permission to speak in any detail, though only because I haven't yet asked, so I won't go into it here. But it has been a big strain, of course.
The meltdown. One of my favorite scenes in a film is from State and Main. A character played by Alec Baldwin drives a car over a ramp, which flips the car on its side; it slides 50 feet or so along the street before coming to a stop. Baldwin climbs up out of the car, grinning and drunk, laughs and says, "So, that happened!" I often feel that way in the aftermath of an emotional upheaval. Yesterday, I was exhausted, fed up, angry, grieving, and stressed. So, I acted out in several ways, including with food (though, fortunately, not too badly). Today, I look back and can only say, "So, that happened!", shake my head and move on. Whew! That was weird. I feel much better today, though I haven't been sleeping well, and that no doubt contributes to my malaise.
My son Mitchell is probably getting married soon, and rather precipitously. No, no, his fiancee isn't pregnant (heavens, no one gets married for that reason any more!); it has to do with (what else?) health benefits. All in all, my biggest reaction to this news is happiness that he will have the benefits. We love Jamie (his fiancee, for those keeping score), and are very glad they were going to get married at some point. But there is still the emotional reaction to the fact that my widdle baby boy is actually getting married. And I won't be there. Objectively, this makes all sorts of sense. Subjectively, there is part of me that is all stressed out about it. Not a big contributor, but a part of the whole picture, nonetheless.
This blog. Like the marriage, this blog is a very positive force in my life, and I am very glad I started it. Nonetheless, it is a source of stress, too. I am by nature a very private person, and putting myself out there is not entirely comfortable. But pushing myself to be something other than comfortable is really the point, isn't it? I am accountable to both of the people who actually read this blog (j/k; I know there's more of you than that) and that causes me some stress. But it also forces me (in a very good way) to examine what I am feeling and how I am coping.
And I think that gets you up to speed. Oh, there's a few other things: my job is stressful, and there are money concerns, especially with my parents. I'm not as young as I used to be. There are competing demands for my time. I am concerned that the world is going to hell in a handbasket, and more quickly than we think. The political atmosphere in Washington is just revolting. The environment is on a downhill slide. Yet, I am optimistic. Isn't that strange? Life is worth living and I have a good one, all in all. I will survive and, more than that, thrive. I am grateful.
Congratulations! It took me a few years to acquire two readers for my blog.
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