I listened to a very good dharma talk by Tara Brach a while back and thought it covered a lot of what I have been trying to say so am transcribing parts of it here. If you want to listen to the whole talk, I got it from Dharma Seed and you can find it here.
This is a rough transcription and not polished prose. The solid text is from the talk, my comments are italicized. Parentheses are paraphrases of what she said.
"When we have this narrowed attention, it’s actually a way of trying to control our experience. Most moments, we’re trying to make sure something bad doesn’t happen and become more comfortable. Presence and control don’t go together. Most of the time we feel some stress, the feeling that something is going wrong or something is missing. When we’re controlling, our mind is generating stories about what we need to do and what can go wrong and how others are looking at us. When we try to fix ourselves, it actually deepens the belief that something’s wrong with me. The more we judge and try to fix ourselves—that’s controlling--the more we actually, deep down, believe, 'something is wrong with me.'”
I would add that this is one of many things that we as humans absolutely know to be true that are in fact false. For the most part, we are not threatened and need not be on high alert. We can relax, but find that hard to believe. We can accept and love ourselves unconditionally, but think this is vanity or in some other way ill-advised. This doesn't make any logical sense; how could it be wrong for me to love myself? But we still most often believe it.
"Controlling leads to more separation, more suffering. (It comes from the self perceiving itself as a separate entity in need. The alternative is an) empowering presence, which is a quality of presence that naturally leads to activity, but it’s more enlightened activity, it’s activity that’s coming from the depth of who we are, not from that tight place of feeling separate. The more we control, the more we’re cut off from the very resources that actually make our life meaningful. The more we chase after something, the more we grasp after the person or the item or whatever it is; the object, the food, the less there’s actually presence that can enjoy. The controlling gets in the way. How do we move from the habit of controlling, where we get tight, we get narrow, we strive, we defend, how do you move from that to this empowering presence, where you are willing to stop and tap into who you really are?"
This is a rough transcription and not polished prose. The solid text is from the talk, my comments are italicized. Parentheses are paraphrases of what she said.
"When we have this narrowed attention, it’s actually a way of trying to control our experience. Most moments, we’re trying to make sure something bad doesn’t happen and become more comfortable. Presence and control don’t go together. Most of the time we feel some stress, the feeling that something is going wrong or something is missing. When we’re controlling, our mind is generating stories about what we need to do and what can go wrong and how others are looking at us. When we try to fix ourselves, it actually deepens the belief that something’s wrong with me. The more we judge and try to fix ourselves—that’s controlling--the more we actually, deep down, believe, 'something is wrong with me.'”
"Controlling leads to more separation, more suffering. (It comes from the self perceiving itself as a separate entity in need. The alternative is an) empowering presence, which is a quality of presence that naturally leads to activity, but it’s more enlightened activity, it’s activity that’s coming from the depth of who we are, not from that tight place of feeling separate. The more we control, the more we’re cut off from the very resources that actually make our life meaningful. The more we chase after something, the more we grasp after the person or the item or whatever it is; the object, the food, the less there’s actually presence that can enjoy. The controlling gets in the way. How do we move from the habit of controlling, where we get tight, we get narrow, we strive, we defend, how do you move from that to this empowering presence, where you are willing to stop and tap into who you really are?"
This reminds me of a topic that deserves its own post, that of “poverty mentality”, the persistent idea of not having enough that endures far past its usefulness (it thinks it is keeping us safe) and disrupts our ability to be happy and whole.
"When we are empowered, we are tapping into the universe’s wisdom, the universe’s love, the universe’s strength and power. Meditation is a training in this tapping in, in this presence. And the reason it’s challenging (is because) all of our habits make us want to control, not come into presence. We notice this is happening…and we bring a quality of kindness as we meet it…. This is how we access the presence that empowers. The pathway home will always involve in some way these two wings of awareness and kindness. This doesn’t mean any kind of passivity. The alternative is not to lie down and be a doormat.
"What we start discovering is that, when we remember the truth, we are invited back to presence, and it empowers our heart, because that’s when we can draw on the love that’s here. The loving is not available when we’re in controlling mode. It’s there; we’re just not awake to it. The meditation deconditions the habit of controlling. It allows us to then act and live from that part of us which is most loving and most wise. When we offer that presence to another, it helps them remember, it helps them to move from their defensiveness, from their controlling, it helps them to come back into the depth of who they are. We create spaces (of safety and comfort) when we are present for our own heart to wake up and our own wisdom to wake up, and when we hold that presence for others, when we are not trying to make someone be different. I think of this as the definition of love: when we are with someone, that presence absolutely accepts that being as they are in that moment, it actually invites out that being."
"What we start discovering is that, when we remember the truth, we are invited back to presence, and it empowers our heart, because that’s when we can draw on the love that’s here. The loving is not available when we’re in controlling mode. It’s there; we’re just not awake to it. The meditation deconditions the habit of controlling. It allows us to then act and live from that part of us which is most loving and most wise. When we offer that presence to another, it helps them remember, it helps them to move from their defensiveness, from their controlling, it helps them to come back into the depth of who they are. We create spaces (of safety and comfort) when we are present for our own heart to wake up and our own wisdom to wake up, and when we hold that presence for others, when we are not trying to make someone be different. I think of this as the definition of love: when we are with someone, that presence absolutely accepts that being as they are in that moment, it actually invites out that being."
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